What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 05:17
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was scared of men, in general
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why am I so triggered and depressed over a minor thing?
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She found it foreign!.
I am 13 and I am planning to run away. What should I do to succeed?
I was seconnd youngest,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
What was the worst spanking you got growing up?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Should women be allowed in “combat roles” within the military?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
Do you have any problem dating a younger man?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I said to her
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So, i spoilt her more .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.